The End of Science In Three Easy Steps
This year, the board has re-defined science as “a systematic method of continuing investigation that uses observations, hypothesis testing, measurement, experimentation, logical argument and theory building to lead to more adequate explanations of natural phenomena...”
The Professor couldn't believe his eyes. Was it really true? There was no longer a requirement for science to rely on 'natural explanations'? Brilliant! Without these constraints, the Professor thought as he skipped down the University halls like a schoolboy, I can finally make some real progress.
Ten years later, the re-definition of science has taken hold in most parts of the U.S. and has allowed some amazing research to be performed. In fact, our giddy Professor is presenting his latest research to his colleagues. The talk is boldly titled “The Designer Mechanism: Bringing About The End of Science in Three Easy Steps.” Let's take a seat and listen in on this momentous talk.
“...So, as you can now clearly see, gentleman, my observations show that the hypothesis is correct. In order for Mars to revolve around the Earth in 779.96 days, The Designer must intervene to change the 'natural laws' every 25.7 months to briefly place Mars into retrograde motion. Then, after a few months, the Designer re-implements the aforementioned 'natural laws'. This mechanism elegantly reconciles the supposed 'contradiction' of the retrograde orbits with the fact that the Earth is at the very least the center of the solar system, and most likely, the universe.” The Professor anxiously scanned the auditorium, looking for any signs that the logic and simplicity of his arguments was understood and appreciated. The audience members glanced at each other with embarrassment. Good, the Professor thought. They are recognizing the folly of their original ideas and are coming around to the side of Wisdom and Truth.
“Ahem.” The Professor's head turned in the direction of the faux cough, and he saw a raised hand attached to the body of a very skeptical face. The Professor inwardly sighed. These tedious questions would end once they embraced the Designer mechanism, but for now, he decided to humor the audience members.
“Yes. You have a question.”
“Indeed. If there is an intelligent designer, as you suppose, then whey doesn't he, she, or it simply change the orbit of Mars once and for all and end the need for intervention? That would seem to be the...'intelligent' thing to do.” There were snickers from the audience at this last remark, but he shrugged off the obvious barb. The fool was simply proving his point for him.
“Precisely. That thought also occurred to me, and wracked with doubt, I almost abandoned the Grand Unifying Designer Theory altogether. But then the solution came to me in a moment of sheer Designer-inspired lucidity and removed the apparent paradox. The Reason that It does not change the orbit of Mars is that It wanted to constantly give us proof that It exists. The Designer purposely left the flaw, and many others in the world I might add, so that It would have to intervene, and we would have Proof of the Designer's existence!” The Professor brought his hand down hard on the podium after this last declaration.
Stunned silence. I have them now, thought the Professor. They couldn't possibly have any questions after that perfect insight into the mind of the Designer. What a Gift he had given to them. Now, for the pièce de résistance.
“So, gentleman, as you can see, even the so-called 'flaws' and 'contradictions' were intentionally placed there so that our less-advanced minds might perceive the presence of the Designer. The Designer mechanism explains everything that we see in the universe. It is the end of questions. It is the end of doubt. For I say to you that the greatest thing has occurred with these revelations. There is nothing left to discover! It is the End of Science!”